How to be more (or Less) Disagreeable for Success

When it comes to personal and professional success, the right balance of personality traits can make or break your outcomes. Let's dive into the OCEAN model or Big Five personality traits:

Openness: Curiosity, creativity, and willingness to explore ideas.
Conscientiousness: Organized, disciplined, and reliable in behaviour.
Extraversion: Outgoing, energetic, and enjoys social interactions.
Agreeableness: Cooperative, compassionate, and values harmony.
Neuroticism: Prone to stress, emotional sensitivity, and mood swings.

Each of us has a unique mix of these traits, and how we use them determines much of our success in life and work.

Agreeableness—the tendency to prioritize harmony and cooperation—can be both a strength and a liability. On the flip side, disagreeableness—the willingness to challenge, compete, and assert—has its own pros and cons. I’ve worked with many high performers, both agreeable and disagreeable, and here’s the big insight: success doesn’t come from being one or the other. It comes from knowing when to flex your approach.

The Sweet Spot: Balancing Agreeable and Disagreeable

Highly agreeable people thrive in collaborative environments but may struggle to assert themselves when needed. Disagreeable people often excel in tough negotiations and decision-making but may alienate others if they lack tact. Both traits have value, but extremes in either direction can limit your potential.

What’s the solution? Self-awareness and situational adaptability. Success isn’t about being stubbornly agreeable or disagreeable—it’s about using each trait intentionally based on the moment.

Why Balance Matters: Traits Linked to Success

Research backs up what I’ve seen in my career as an athlete, entrepreneur, and coach: people unwilling to fight for themselves and their ideas (IE, be disagreeable) are less satisfied with their results. Conscientiousness is also a key predictor of long-term, observable success. Conscientious people achieve because they’re reliable and organized. Disagreeable individuals? They stand firm, make tough decisions, and challenge the status quo when necessary, and are satisfied because they get more of what they want.

But here’s the catch: being too disagreeable can hold you back from achieving bigger goals. This is why it is NOT linked to extrinsically observable success. Leaders and professionals who can’t foster strong relationships or build trust often struggle to sustain achievement. This is why a balance of traits—and the ability to adjust them—is essential.

Developing Your Disagreeable Side

If you’re naturally agreeable but want to strengthen your assertiveness, here are 10 actionable strategies to develop your "disagreeable" muscle:

Practice Assertiveness: Speak up more often, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Set Boundaries: Define what behaviours and requests are acceptable to you.
Learn to Say No: Politely decline opportunities or demands that don’t align with your priorities.
Engage in Healthy Debate: Challenge ideas thoughtfully to build resilience and sharpen your thinking.
Seek Feedback: Ask for input on how you come across and adjust as needed.
Embrace Conflict When Necessary: Stand firm on issues that matter.
Strengthen Decision-Making Skills: Get comfortable making choices without second-guessing.
Clarify Your Values: Know your core principles so you can confidently assert them.
Study Role Models: Observe effective leaders who balance firmness with empathy.
Reflect and Adjust: After a challenging interaction, review what worked and what didn’t.

Navigating the Spectrum: Working with Disagreeable Personalities

Whether you're developing your own disagreeable side or dialling it back for a better connection, chances are you'll encounter individuals who don't share your approach. And that’s okay. As Robert Sutton, author of The No Asshole Rule, points out, navigating difficult personalities requires strategy:

Distance Yourself: When possible, limit exposure to overly negative or disruptive individuals.
Set Clear Boundaries: Communicate your expectations for behaviour and enforce them consistently.
Find Allies: Align with colleagues who share your values to create a supportive environment.

Balancing toughness and tenderness is the hallmark of effective leadership - Bob Sutton

In my experience, whether you’re learning to assert yourself or tempering a naturally strong personality, the key lies in aligning your behavior with your core values. As I explain in The Responsibility Ethic, values act as your internal compass, guiding your actions in even the most challenging interactions. When you navigate with values, you’re more likely to find balance—both in your leadership and in your relationships with others.

Now that we’ve explored how to cultivate disagreeableness and manage it in others, let’s shift focus. How can you strengthen your agreeable side without losing your edge? Science shows where this gives you an advantage. Let’s dive in.

Cultivating Your Agreeable Side: Enhancing Connection and Leadership

If you naturally lean toward disagreeableness, you might find it challenging to connect with colleagues and foster a collaborative environment. Balancing assertiveness with approachability is crucial for effective leadership and teamwork.

Drawing from insights, here are ten strategies to help you develop your agreeable side:

Active Listening: Focus on truly hearing others without immediately formulating a response.
Express Empathy: Acknowledge and validate the feelings and perspectives of your team members.
Solicit Feedback: Encourage colleagues to share thoughts on your leadership style and adjust as needed.
Practice Patience: Allow conversations and decision-making processes to unfold naturally.
Show Appreciation: Recognize and praise the contributions of others.
Collaborative Decision-Making: Involve your team in goal-setting and decision-making.
Adapt Communication Style: Tailor your approach to different team members’ preferences.
Manage Emotional Responses: Develop self-awareness to control impulses that may seem abrasive.
Engage in Team-Building Activities: Strengthen interpersonal relationships through shared experiences.
Seek Mentorship: Learn from leaders known for their interpersonal skills.

Implementing these strategies will help you create a more harmonious and productive work environment, enhancing both your leadership effectiveness and team satisfaction.

Let’s Build Your Leadership Edge

In my experience, even the most driven individuals can benefit from finding balance. Whether it’s helping an agreeable leader learn to say “no” or a naturally disagreeable entrepreneur foster collaboration, success stems from aligning actions with values. As I discuss in The Responsibility Ethic, understanding your values is the compass that guides you through life’s toughest situations.

If you’re ready to refine your leadership style, foster stronger connections, and achieve sustainable success, reach out to me for personalized coaching. Together, we’ll find your balance and chart a path toward meaningful, values-driven success.

Take responsibility. Take action. Let’s make success happen.

"Sometimes the best management is about knowing when to push and when to back off."